I have been thinking about starting a blog for several months now. Unfortunately, the #autisticburnout I have been experiencing since the end of May 2024, causes multiple, often unpredictable, peaks and valleys in my ability to communicate, plan and execute tasks, operate a vehicle, or deal with any kind of stimulation for an extended period of time.
Last year, after almost six years of working as an aerospace engineer, I lost my ability. I had gone through getting the education to have what I needed to work in the industry and make my very small mark on the effort to better understand the universe. I spent years dealing with a full time Aerospace Physics course load and two part-time jobs while in an incredibly abusive relationship. A couple of years later, I followed up with full-time work while working toward a Master’s Degree in Systems Engineering and dealing with a bad marriage a few years later. I looked back at one point to realize I had been in school for 7 out of the 10 past years. I worked very, very hard.
I thought I was doing it right.
I WAS doing it right! Right??
Perhaps I was, according to the various cultural rules I had picked up throughout my life about what defines success. I was certainly receiving praise from external sources about how incredible my abilities were.
The unfortunate truth, however, is that I had unknowingly turned my back on who I truly am in order to meet expectations that were not sustainable given my abilities. The world was telling me I was doing everything right. But I was breaking.
I am an autistic woman. I have PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and clinical depression. I have the latter list of mental health difficulties for the most part, in my opinion, as a result of being undiagnosed and misdiagnosed until October 2024.
Since my burmout made itself impossible to ignore, I have been unable to work. It has been seven months. My parents rarely get phone calls from me because my ability to communicate verbally is extremely limited. If I drive longer than 15 minutes, I can become overwhelmed and exhausted. I often find I have to close my eyes as a passenger to avoid overstimulation and anxiety. I have a very low stress tolerance. I am unable to attend social gatherings without needing a lengthy rest period after.
Since the end of May, when my disability finally decided it could no longer be ignored, I have been doing a lot of very, very hard work. I have had to completely deconstruct my entire life. I have had to question who I am. I have had to make peace with the fact that I was operating under the weight of expectations that were unsustainable. I had to make peace with the fact that I had left myself somewhere in the past, under layers of trauma, self-loathing, and perfectionism, all probably created or exacerbated by a disability I didn’t know I had.
This blog is about the things I have found that work for me as I transform into my next phase. It will include several categories, but the main categories are described below.
Breathe: When we breathe with intent, we can change how we view ourselves and the world around us. I have logged over 5,000 hours of breathwork practice in just a little over a year. The benefits have been incredible! My intent is to study breathwork more in-depth via a certification program so that I can help others experience its benefits. But for now, I can provide some information here and there about how breathwork meditation has impacted me.
Move: Those who know me through my Facebook account, know that I am experienced in multiple styles of dance from Central Asia and the Middle East. At one time, I was performing regularly, teaching 8 classes a week, and teaching workshops. My creativity was an unfortunate casualty in my pursuit of being successful. I am bringing movement back into my life. This includes not only dance, but any physical activity I can muster while I am dealing with #autisticburnout . You will see posts about great hikes, classes I offer, and other forms of movement I am experimenting with.
Divine: My recent experiences have made me aware of how sensitive I am to the world around me. I became a master masker, a chameleon, reflecting everything down to the mannerisms and speech patterns of the people with whom I was interacting. I did this because I thought what I was doing was helping me survive. I suppose it was, in a sense. It was helping to keep me under the radar as someone who couldn’t relate with others. It hid the crushing anxiety I felt as someone who never felt in phase with everyone else. Every single word I spoke in some settings was carefully chosen so as to communicate as clearly as possible. Not many people in my life have ever seen me fully unmasked, even some of my closest friends and family members.
But now, the mask has to go! I am opening up my senses (honestly, once burnout hit, I had no choice. Everything came flooding in!). I am learning both the challenges and strengths of my heightened senses. I am using my strengths to hone my intuition. I have chosen to use tarot cards to assist me with understanding the situations of others. The feedback I have received has been quite good. So I will continue to practice.
In the future, I will be posting general tarot readings with full descriptions so you can see if anything resonates with you. I will be offering tarot readings, which I can perform in-person (please note my already mentioned limitations in driving), over the phone, or via video chat.
In addition to working with tarot cards I have also started working with acrylics and colored pencils to create things that I find visually stimulating and aid in recovering my motor skills. Once I have a good set completed and digitized, I will also be offering my artwork, most likely on various kinds of merchandise.
I wish I could commit to a particular schedule for releasing posts. Maybe that will be a possibility in the future as I continue to recover. Until then, keep an eye out on other platforms for any clues as to newly released content. Overall, I hope you enjoy seeing the fruits of my healing and that I can offer something to help spark something new in you.
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